WHY WE FEEL UNFULFILLED: The theory of holes

Have you ever wondered why you continue to feel dissatisfied and maybe unhappy despite your success in certain areas of your life?

In the 70s and 80s, A.H. Almaas and Faisal Muqaddam, through the understanding of deep psychology, have developed what they call "The theory of holes," which can answer our question.

According to Almaas, who also considers eastern traditions, we are born with an Essence, a True Self, free from conditioning.

The Essence is made of qualities; our connection with those qualities gets lost during growing up.

The term "hole" shows a part of us and, in particular, a quality that we have lost or are no longer aware of.

These holes may develop in childhood, usually because of traumatic experiences, conflicts, or interactions with the environment.

Let's look at one example:

Perhaps our parents didn't appreciate or value us, which led us to believe that we weren't important.

As a result, we lost touch with our own value, leaving a feeling of deficiency and inferiority.

Consequently, we might try to compensate by seeking validation from external sources.

In this case, we felt we didn't have intrinsic value.

Holes also show up in relationships, and the deeper the relationship, the more this happens.

In relationships, particularly between partners, we attempt to fill this void with what we believe we receive from the other. You know the saying, "We are suited to each other"?

In a relationship, when we depend on the other person to fulfill certain needs, we might feel let down when they don't meet our expectations. This can make us feel incomplete and remind us of what was missing before.

We rely on each other to fill these voids, and when the relationship ends, it feels like we've lost a part of ourselves rather than just the other person.

A painful breakup can make us feel like we've lost our sense of security and even our will or strength, depending on what needs the other person was fulfilling for us.

HOW DO WE BECOME AWARE OF OUR HOLE?

• We notice the desires which fill them up.

• Identify the defensive or compensatory psychological structures which block the hole from awareness.

• The awareness of certain emotions.

For example, if we lose our self-esteem, this loss causes a hole that we perceive as a sense of inferiority or lack of

self-esteem.

As a response to feeling inferior, we may seek superiority over others or strive for success in a particular area.

We live in a world where fundamental human activities often attempt to fill or avoid a sense of emptiness, deficiency, or meaninglessness.

Coming back to our initial question, we can conclude that often these holes are one of the major dynamics that drive our behavior.

Working with a counselor can help you identify the genuine needs and drive behind your action.